Oh that's embarrassing.
Everyone stopped clapping and I was just standing there clapping.
Maybe you were doing it on purpose so you could hear yourself.
You know?
Like people on TV shows in the studio audience who laugh a bit too loud and a bit too long.
That's right.
So they can go home and when the program goes out they can hear themselves laughing.
Do you think that's why they do it?
Yeah.
Develop an unusual laugh.
Exactly in the middle of a line at something no one else finds funny.
That was me.
That's my laugh.
I cultivated that one for the studio audience.
Hello and welcome to the Coca-Cola New Music Podcast hosted by us, Adam and Joe.
We've got a lineup of top new unsigned tracks by top new unsigned bands to play you.
Now listen, I want to ask you a technical question.
Who, me?
Yeah, you.
Okay.
I don't know if you'll have the wherewithal and the expertise to answer this.
Of course I will.
But I want to try it anyway.
Shoot.
Okay, so a band, a young band,
has got a record deal, right?
But only a couple of their tracks have been licensed.
They've got a load of unlicensed tracks
that are not part of any record deal.
Is it okay for them to put those unlicensed tracks on the Coke website and then if we pick them out we play them on this show?
What would be that situation?
I think it's fine.
You reckon?
Yeah.
I think you pretty much send us anything and we'll deal with those kinds of niggles.
Niggles?
Can I say that word in this day and age?
You can!
Now, in this week's show, folks, we've got a packed show for you.
All kinds of different sounding music.
We're going to start this week with a sort of rocky track.
It's by Rocky Balboa.
Wow, a track from the new Rocky film.
Not really.
But it's sort of indie pop for you.
And then after that, we've got an extraordinary sort of prog, rave, new shoes,
epic for you, and then we're going to finish up the show with another stylistically varied couple of tracks, a sort of Rufus Wainwright style magical adventure romance.
Yes, it is French.
It is from France.
Yes, it is French.
The land of romance.
Sure, it's French.
But first, let's kick things off with some good old guitar stylings.
Yeah, and in kind of classic guitar styling fashion, they've got a two-word name that begins with the.
Absolutely.
What is it this week?
The what?
The signals.
Does that not exist already?
I don't think so.
Well, then they've done well.
Yeah, that's a good name, a good solid name.
It is a good name.
It reminds me of trains.
Exactly.
And indications in general.
You know what it reminds me of?
What?
Smoke signals.
Really?
Oh.
So many things to think about.
That's right.
Have a listen to this.
This is called Ain't Coming.
I've been on holiday to Europe, Adam.
Where did you go in Europe?
I went to France in Europe.
France in Europe.
The area known as France.
There's certain things I like very much about Europe, I don't know whether you agree.
Thing number one, they sell fireworks everywhere.
They're unregulated.
In the supermarket, pack a ten fireworks.
But isn't the whole fireworks situation way out of control there?
Well, it's to do with your personal responsibility.
And that's another thing I like about Europe, and I don't like about Britain.
Britain's a nanny state.
You're constantly being told you can't do this, you can't do that, we're treated like toddlers.
We are toddlers.
Whereas most of Europe, no.
If you want to set fire to your head, or set a rocket off up your jacksie, fine.
Go ahead.
Put down the Super U or the Monoprix.
five pounds, packet of bangers, doesn't matter how old you are or who you are, yes, yes take them, it's up to you.
Yeah.
You know?
Do you remember the riots a few years ago?
They were probably fireworks based.
Well I was wondering, because I don't remember there being that many fireworks on the news coverage, do you think that that would be the way to create a really sympathetic riot, you know, that would go down?
just like a kind of exuberant firework display, but at street level.
Instead of using Molotov cocktails and things like that, which have very negative associations, especially when they're on television, you know, on the news, if you use a few Roman candles and things like that... The kids love it.
The kids love it.
And it distracts the zombies.
Exactly.
Zombies are distracted by fireworks.
I'll get with it.
Have you not seen The Evening of the Dead, or whatever it's called?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, another thing I like about Europe is there's kind of pornography almost everywhere.
Again, in the supermarket, amazing array of pornography.
I don't buy it myself, but it's just nice to know it's there.
Certainly.
And it hangs around your upper peripheral vision.
In case there's an emergency.
In a sort of comforting way.
Courgettes.
Sliced ham.
Fanny?
Hardcore porn.
Hardcore porn?
Spread beaver?
No.
That kind of thing.
And they even have it in the supermarkets.
And I had a flick through.
I wasn't flicking through the hardcore pornography because I'm not interested in that.
Why would you?
Why would I?
I was flicking through the French equivalent of Nuts magazine.
Right.
Nuts and Zoo.
Or maybe it was the French equivalent of Bazaar magazine.
Right.
But it was quite the most troubling thing I've ever seen.
What kind of thing do they have in the mag?
A flick in one page and it has a lady who is being, let's say, eaten by a plastic snake.
It has wriggled up inside her.
What?
Two plastic snakes wriggling up inside her.
You can't put this on the Kirk podcast.
Why not?
It is filthy from the area.
But this was a normal magazine.
It wasn't even on the top shelf.
I opened it.
A lady being invaded by...
Plastic snakes.
And there was no pixelation or anything.
No.
This is why Europe's so great, according to Joseph Cornish.
Well, it's just different, isn't it?
It's just a bit different.
Well, man, it sounds great.
I'm going to France in a couple of weeks.
Are you?
Well, watch out for those things.
Yeah, I'm going to have a big firework porn party.
They drive like lunatics.
Seriously, they drive at about 100 miles an hour the whole time.
You know what they do?
They come right up behind you.
This is such a boring dad conversation.
It really is though, isn't it?
This is the sort of thing we should be discussing over some wine and a cigar.
They come right up behind you.
You just have to hold your ground.
Absolutely.
Don't give in to them otherwise you'll put yourself in danger.
Absolutely.
And they weave in and out of the fast lane.
They've only got respect for les cyclistes.
In France they love cycling.
Tour de France, of course.
So they'll slow down for cyclists, but no, they won't slow down for anyone else.
No, absolutely not.
You see, Renault Espace is crammed full of babies travelling at 150 miles an hour.
Sometimes 500.
500 miles an hour!
Would you like some of this?
Thank you, that's delicious.
Is this... is this... what's it called?
It's called biscuits.
Oh, I like them.
My wife made them.
She's... she's boring.
Have you got enough?
No, we've run out of nuffs.
That's a shame, I do like a nuff.
Darling, would you bring us a packet of nuffs?
Big ones.
Big nuffs.
I don't like the small ones.
They don't taste of anything.
Well, if you don't have any nuffs, could I have some music?
Yes, you can.
Have you got a kind of rave track that then goes sort of rock and has an incredibly impassioned vocal of the sort you might find on one of the younger bands?
Like, perhaps, Oh Good Charlotte?
Yes, alright then.
So, can we have a rave track that goes right with an impassioned vocal, please?
I'll be here in two seconds.
Thank you very much.
Woah!
That was futuristic, man.
That was called Full Moon Remix by Silence In The Street.
It feels like someone's shoved an egg whisk in my ear and whisked up my brain.
Into the future.
Into the future.
Yes.
Yeah.
That is good, isn't it?
That was the full moon remix, you know.
Right.
Yeah, probably some kind of full moon party on a beach in Thailand, you know, fistful of mushrooms, couple of pills, don't know what, pop them down, woohoo!
Pop that on.
Joe's talking about shiitake mushrooms.
Yes.
And headaches.
And headaches, exactly.
Nothing more exotic.
La la la la, la la la, la, lovely full moon.
That's the sort of full moon party I'm talking about.
I must say I'm loving this remix.
A glass of Chablis.
A clear night.
A full moon.
Some fine cheese.
A remix.
A remix.
A delightful remix.
Marvellous.
So when you were a young man and you loved the Spice Girls.
What do you mean when?
Well, when you were younger.
Yeah, OK.
And you loved the Spice Girls.
Yes.
And you were all caught up in girl power.
Spice fever, girl fever, power.
You know, who was your favourite?
My favourite, Adam, as you know perfectly well, is Baby.
Baby?
Yes, it is Baby.
Shut up, William.
Shut up, he is.
I've seen him in the flesh.
Shut up, Mum.
I've seen him in the flesh.
Baby?
Yeah.
Are you joking now?
Are you being ironic?
No, it's a short story.
I went to see Fallen, the Denzel Washington film, at Mann's Chinese Theatre in Los Angeles.
Got bored of the film after about 45 minutes, exited the cinema, found myself
in the middle of the premiere of Spice World, the movie.
They'd literally set it up in the hour that I was in the cinema.
Came out, found myself in a photographer's pen.
I'd come out of the back door of the cinema, so I was in a sort of special area.
Just as I came out, the Spice Bus drives up.
Wow.
all 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Spice Girls get out the bus, they come walking straight over to me.
Literally I was there with about four or five photographers in a little pen.
They came walking straight over and the most radiantly beautiful was Baby.
Really?
Yes.
I thought, you're a lovely baby, I'd like to have your babe.
Now you can have my baby, baby.
What a revolting thought.
Why would that be revolting?
Well, it's a baby having another baby.
Oh, that's true.
That's true.
It's possible in the future though, what with all that business.
That's grotesque.
She doesn't look bad now, because of course they've reformed listeners, as you will know, and there are many pictures of them, there have been for the last few weeks in the publications, saying that they look odd.
I don't think they do look very odd, I think they look pretty good.
They've got the latest lady camouflage techniques going, you know.
Women build up a massive portfolio of camouflage and distraction skills to attract men and hide their wrinkly bits, you know.
Well, Baby is employing a technique that I've used on a number of occasions when I've had my photograph taken, which is to thrust your face right forward.
Yeah, chin right out.
Chin right out, so it makes it look as if you have kind of defined features rather than just a kind of wobbly face.
She's wearing black, black the colour that covers all sins, right?
Who's that one?
That's Mel B. That's scary, boy.
She just looks like a housewife and mum.
I know she does.
But because she's been broken in the intervening years, her spirit's been broken.
By Eddie Murphy.
By Eddie Murphy.
By Donkey from Shrek.
Exactly.
By Norbit.
By Big Mama's House.
By Pluto Nash.
He wasn't in that.
By Pluto Nash.
By White Chicks.
You know, exactly.
He wasn't in that either.
He wasn't in that.
But, uh, Boomerang Boy.
By Boomerang Boy.
You know?
By Beverly Hills cop-out.
Exactly.
Yeah.
By the golden child.
The Beverly Hills baby cop-out.
You know?
That golden that's not my child.
Exactly.
And he's broken her spirit.
And he's removed all her girl power.
And so she's left this kind of... Do you know how to tell if your baby is Eddie Murphy's?
Here we go.
When it laughs it goes...
And his first word is, get the f**k out of here.
That's very basic.
And it says, goony goo goo.
Goony goo goo.
With the GI Joe up his ass.
He's a comedy genius.
Let's not forget that.
But he hasn't treated Mel B. She's a musical genius.
Exactly.
But she... Imagine the funny songs that Charles is going to come up with.
Right.
Right.
She was my favourite though in the olden days.
Really?
Yeah, she was absolutely my favourite because she had feist and she was beautiful, Amazonian and sort of intimidating which I like from a woman.
Amazonian.
What?
She had like big leopard, she's quintessentially Amazonian.
Yes.
But now she looks broken because Murphy's broken her.
and she's wearing bad clothes and out of all of them, it looks as if, you know, she's only there for the money.
I mean, I know all of them are only there for the money.
But I heard this the other day, apparently, who's their manager?
What's he called?
Tony?
Pete Waterman.
No, it's not Pete Waterman.
Simon Cowell.
It's not.
It's Johnny Brewer.
It's Rick Wakefield.
Someone like that.
And there was, did you see the email that got circulated around?
Yeah, the leaked memo.
Yeah, about the... Spicegate.
Spicegate.
Yeah, the instructions of how to hold it together for the relaunch.
Don't bicker.
Don't bicker.
Talk about your past with affection.
Yeah.
Don't say anything about the money.
Right.
If you've got a problem, sit down in a meeting with me and the managers and talk it through.
Brilliant.
Right?
Yeah.
That kind of thing.
Very wise advice.
Well, it's exactly.
That's good advice for anyone.
It's just what you and I need.
Whether they're reforming or not.
If someone had given us, you and me, that advice before we started making the Adam and Jo show, we'd probably be in hog heaven.
We'd be ruling the whole area.
I tell you what though, what's this one called?
Janine.
She's ridiculous.
She's called Posh Spice.
Posh Spice.
Why is she ridiculous?
Well look at her.
She's gorgeous.
She's absurd.
Look, her totties are popping out of her tight dress.
She's like the pepperami woman.
She's ludicrous.
She's ridiculous.
She's physically ridiculous though.
She wouldn't have to say anything and you'd be laughing if you saw that.
One of the most attractive ones now is Mel C. She just looks very healthy and sexy and normal.
Geri, I think, is very beautiful and I even like her choice of pre-Raphaelite locks and dress and everything.
Everything about her I find very attractive.
But I know for a fact that she is absolutely bananas.
And so that scares me.
I would never go anywhere near her even if I had the opportunity, which I never will.
But... You sound quite sad about that.
I'm a little bit sad because I really do think she's attractive.
We know people who know her.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, you could get in there with her.
You've chatted at length to Mel C. Chatted to Mel C. She's a fan of Adam and Jo, right?
Yeah, I think so.
What do you mean you think so?
You told me she was.
I was trying to make you feel good.
You were a little depressed that day.
Was I?
Yeah.
Really?
I thought it might cheer you up if a Spice Girl liked you.
No, no, she did say that she used to watch the show, yeah.
She didn't say anything qualitative?
Not really.
No, she was nice.
She said, she actually said, I used to fancy you.
To me.
To me?
To me.
About me?
No, to me.
To you about me?
She said, Joe used to make some of my food come back into my mouth when I used to watch.
So I had to stop watching after a while because I could never digest anything.
Baby fancies me.
Yeah.
Look at that distant look in her eye.
She looks like Judy Finnegan.
It's time to go back to France, which is one of my favourite countries.
Yeah, we both love France.
I love France.
And this is some music to France.
Oh, yes, that's... Excuse me?
Yes?
I love France.
Yes?
But the other thing that I love is music.
Oh, well, how about some French toast?
No, I don't like it.
What about some French onions?
What about some French music?
I love French music.
I love it.
Can I have some?
Yes, this is a band called Dislike.
It's one word.
Yes, not two.
No.
Dislike, like dislike, but with a French accent.
Dislike.
I really dislike it.
And the song is called Garden of Clouds.
Garden of Clouds.
Garden of Clouds.
Very hard to maintain.
Wake up.
The clouds are ready.
Would you like some?
The Garden of Clouds there by Dis Lake from France.
And that was a very kind of ethereal track, wasn't it?
Yeah, slightly.
Very dreamy.
Slightly, and I mean this in an entirely positive and non pejorative way, gay.
Yeah.
What do you mean by that?
Well, it's sort of camp and theatrical and I suppose in a rather reactionary way that reminds me of the gay.
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, it's kind of gentle and soft, unthreatening.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's like the dreams of a very imaginative boy who likes boys and he's in his bedroom and he's dreaming his dreams and no one can stop him.
That would be called garden of c***s.
Wouldn't it?
No!
Oh, garden of little bums.
Garden of little bums.
Bum patio.
Bum patio.
I am doing some digging on my bum patio.
I am using it, my tool, my garden tool, to plant some seeds.
Do you like my new gazee bum?
Gazee bum?
I'm hot, I'm hot, I'm hot, I'm hot, I'm hot
Now, listeners, we have a final track for you.
It's from the streets, from the postcode war-torn streets.
Now, I'm frightened of the streets.
Well, the streets are a frightening place at the moment.
There's been a lot of nasty incidents.
And, you know, we know that gang warfare is something that's active amongst the kids on the streets.
So we're a little bit wary of this song.
You know why?
What?
We don't quite understand what they're saying.
Right.
We know they're talking about bullets.
Yeah.
We know there are perhaps some slightly confrontational and aggressive sentiments within this song.
Well, the track is called Bullet Fidem.
Yeah, but... Yeah.
We don't necessarily know whether they're advocating these activities or merely reflecting, holding a mirror up
to society.
Saying isn't this sad?
Hey let's not shoot the messenger.
No.
Exactly.
Unless it's a really bad offensive messenger.
Unless the messenger carries a gun.
Exactly.
Unless the messenger stinks.
Unless the messenger's message is bang you're dead.
Blat blat.
That's my message to you.
Now this is by a couple of chaps called KG Harno and Peter Brotzmann.
We think that Peter Brotzman may be KG Harno's bank manager.
He's lent him the money to record this single on the proviso that he's at the recording.
It might just be a couple of chaps, well-educated, well-spoken chaps like ourselves, who are dipping their toe into the street.
Adopting the stylings.
Adopting the manner.
of street life.
See what you think, listeners.
Let's chat about this after we hear this.
It's only a very short track.
That's a street word.
What?
Chat.
Let's chat about it.
Chat.
Yeah, it's an old informal, isn't it?
Well, it means rapping.
Right.
Yeah, so you're going to rap about it later, yeah?
You're going to chat.
Can't help it.
Spit.
Yeah.
All right.
That's quite short.
It's a short one, isn't it?
I didn't understand a single word.
I did.
What did you get?
Well, he was having a picnic and he was attacked by wasps.
Big swarm of the blighters.
So, being the kind of man he was, he pulled out his gun and started to shoot the wasps.
It was a harder proposition than he expected because they're very small, they're swarming, and he only had a limited amount of ammunition.
That's it really.
He tried to take them out one by one.
They came back with a bag of man.
I think that means they were maybe in the crisps or something.
I thought they came back with a burger.
Well, maybe that's it.
They were swarming around the burger.
Yeah, they came out with a burger.
It was the wrong burger.
I didn't ask for cheese.
You'll get shot.
So it's two thumbs up to that track.
I'm only putting one thumb up.
I'm putting two very confidently, reserving the right to retract a thumb.
If it turns out that these guys are wanted, you're going to look pretty irresponsible.
I'm going to be in the dark with them.
Pretty irresponsible.
For wasp murder.
For wasp killing.
Do you think you could get a wasp or two if you had a gun and you were attacked by wasps?
Why not write into us with your answers to that question?
How many wasps do you think you can pick off with a gun?
If you can prove to us that you have killed a wasp with a gun.
That would be a good action sequence, wouldn't it?
That would give you some kind of prize.
But listen, you can't just pin the wasp down and shoot it at point blank range.
No, I think you can.
Can you?
Yeah, that would be better.
Well, you never told me that.
Hey, thanks for listening.
Don't forget to send in your new music, wherever you're from, whatever it sounds like, to www.coke.com forward slash music.
And you know, if your music isn't very well produced or anything, we'll probably like it even more.
Yeah, it's not a problem.
The weirder, the better as well.
The more eccentric, the more unique, the better.
I love you.
Bye.
Goodbye.